I've been reading a lot about depression lately, mainly because I am suffering through it right now. I've never been one to stay depressed for long periods of time. There have been times in my life when I've gotten "down" for a little while, but I was always able to work through it.
When I was seventeen my mother passed away from breast cancer. She was only 38, and I was devastated. The first couple of weeks were horrible, but slowly I was able to get back to my normal life. I was able to start enjoying my life and it didn't take me months to do it. Granted, it didn't happen all at once, but it did start to happen over time.
The same thing happened when my father passed away a few years later, and at various other times over the years. The longest the bouts of depression ever lasted were a few weeks...until now.
For about four months now I've been fighting this urge to lay in my bed with the covers over my head and sleep all day. I fight this urge every day. Most days, the urge wins. I don't sleep at night, but can sleep all day, meaning I don't have to deal with people. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, there have been days where to urge to drink myself into oblivion has been strong, but I've resisted. I don't want to be that person.
I don't want to be this person. I hate this person! How did I end up here? This isn't me. This isn't how I want to live my life, but I don't know how to change it. I'm hoping that by writing about this I can motivate myself to get better. Maybe I can motivate someone else to get better. I know it has to get better, right?
I think this all started last July, although the real depression didn't set in until around Christmas. I was laid off of my job of more than fifteen years, thanks to Healthcare Reform and the reimbursement cuts that were made because of it. I worked in a hospital for over fifteen years. I wasn't a nurse, or anyone that took care of patients, but what I did mattered. I loved what I did, even when I didn't always like doing it with my coworkers, or at my organization, but I LOVE my career. Not only do I love it, I'm good at it. I had built a solid reputation and was proud of the work I did. It hit my like a ton of bricks, but after a couple weeks I was able to get back on my feet. It took me three solid days of drinking, (not my proudest moments), and my family, but the darkness lifted. Even through all that I never felt like this.
On those few days that I feel like getting out I feel better, but those days are few and far between. I don't understand why I can't will myself to feel better. I'm taking anti-depressants, but obviously they aren't working. I wasn't the only person that was laid off that day. I have several friends that went through the same thing and they have all picked up the pieces of their lives and moved on. So why can't I?
The things you hear people say about you when you are depressed make things even worse. I'm not lazy. I'm not anti-social. I realize it seems that way, but it's not true. "If she'd just get up and do something she'd feel better." That may be true, but no one can understand how hard it is to make yourself do that when you suffering from depression. Everyone thinks you should just be able to get up and move on. It's not that simple. As much as I want to feel normal again, this has become my normal, and it feels terrible. Some days I wonder if I will ever feel like my old self again.
Depression is a tunnel of darkness. The more you try to fight it, the tighter it holds on. I've used this post as a sort of diary entry, but the main thing that I want everyone to know is that those of us suffering from severe depression need understanding and support. We don't want to feel like this, but we can't will ourselves back to normal. We need help. From our family, our friends, and sometimes medical professionals. Don't judge too quickly, because it could be you at some point in your life. If you've never suffered through this, it's hard for you to understand that we want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This isn't living. This isn't how we want to spend our days. We want to feel good again. Help us to do that. Encourage us to get up and do things, but don't get down on us when we just can't make ourselves do it. On those rare occasions when we do feel like doing something, be supportive. Most of all, know that we want to get better and that we haven't given up...yet.
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